She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
