I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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