no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
