I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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