guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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