I can text with my tongue
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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