Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
