update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Randomize