guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
