i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
