I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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