Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
