if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
no, he came in my armpit
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
