also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
