I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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