my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
