I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
