just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
