Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize