Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
