Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
