the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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