you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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