Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
