Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It's blow job season.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
i think i just lost a toe
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
