first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
