i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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