I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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