SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
