I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
