This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
