i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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