butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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