Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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