Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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