I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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