u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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