No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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