If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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