i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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