just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize