he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize