Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You are a genius and a whore.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
