Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
