I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
