Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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