Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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