the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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