just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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