Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
