if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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