When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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