no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
we have pet lesbian snakes
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
