i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize