I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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