hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
we should paint friendship bongs
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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